Reality

Sucks sometimes.

I'm usually pretty good at facing reality.

Like, for example,

I've lost a lot of weight lately.

Like, a LOT.

And I would really love a new pair of Silver Jeans

'cause they make my butt look awesome 

But,

the reality is,

I am raising four kids,

and therefore can not justify spending $80 on a pair of jeans.

And so, 

the reality is

I must be happy with my $3 pair of thrift shop jeans.

And I am.

They fit.

But in a certain situation,

I have denied reality.

Ignored it.

Looked away.

Wished it away.

Fought incredibly hard against it.

I thought I could change it,

if I only did this,

or that,

or the other thing.

If I just TRIED really hard.....

And I've had to come to face the fact 

that no matter how much you want reality to change

it just is.

And wanting and wishing something else doesn't change it.

No matter how much you want it.

This is the hardest thing I've done in my life.

And I've done some hard things.

But facing the facts about this situation?

I did NOT want too.

But,

reality is,

I have to.

I'm sorry if this post is vague to some....

But that's the reality;p

Another Brooke Fraser song

about what I'm going through.

I swear she writes for me.

Lyrics:

Take my shoulder back now

Your heads too heavy for me.

Please don't come around here no more

'Cause I asked you to stop,

and you wouldn't.

And I would give anything

To make you better

I would give anything

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize,

I loved you till it killed me

So my logic wouldn't hurt you

I know you might blame me anyway

I'm sorry,

I'm so sorry.

I would give anything

To make you better

I would give anything 

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize

You're not helping yourself

To me

I tried all the things, 

They told me to do

Tried to close up the wounds

left open by you

And if I seem doubtful, distrusting  

I am

You said you wouldn't do it again

You said you wouldn't do it again

I would give anything

to make you better

I would give anything 

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize

You're not helping yourself

You're not helping yourself by hurting me.

My Family

So totally stole this pic from my sister,

without her written consent.

But one consequence of my computer being struck by lightning in that I lost all my pictures.

All.

Except the ones I've posted on this here blog.

I was not smart enough to have a flickr or photobucket account.

And though I plan to do that,

I haven't yet.

So, that's us.

I think it's an amazing picture.

There's so many of us!!!

It doesn't seem like that many people when we're all sitting around talking....

but seeing us all together like that put's it into perspective.

And yes,

I think I am the shortest girl.

But that's because my sisters are amazons at 5'10" - 6'.

I'm not really as short as I look.

But my Mom is ;)

And if you notice the brother in red, he's standing on his tiptoes.

He, too, got the short gene.

Although me at 5'8"

and he at 5'10" (?) 

are not short in the real world.

We can buy pants that fit lengthwise at The Walmarts.

I love them all,

very very much.

And I know that I have exasperated them to no end.

I'm frustrating.

And I'm not always easy to talk to.

But I know they love me. 

And that means everything in the world to me.

Paint

I have been painting so much lately.

And I am sick of it.

Seriously.

I'm almost done, and when I am,

I never want to paint again.

Like EVER.

Here's Nate with his lego.

You can see a bit of the room my friend Donna helped me do.

The boys.

Today I was working away in the kitchen, and I heard a scuffle and a "clink",

look over, and the boys are fighting,

and Nathan's lens has popped out of his glasses.

This often happens to him.

I break it up, and talk to them about what happened.

Quin, very upset, says,

"Nathan was LICKING my HAIR!"

Nathan: "I wasn't!! He only thought I was, but I wasn't!!"

Quin: "He was licking my hair!"

I, like a good Mom, burst out laughing, and said,

"What?!"

Then I said,

"There's got to be better things to fight about than that."

And at my persistent laughter, they too started giggling,

I put the lens in,

and off they went.

To play Lego in my living room.

(Ignore Quinlans socks.  He is the hardest on socks of all the kids I know)

And watch this.

World Junior Hockey Game.

Final, Canada vs. Russia.

Here's a shot of the faux brick wall.

Yes, those are not bricks.

It's stucco and paint.

Cool, eh?

And here's what I did over the Christmas Holidays.

The cupboards.

And the walls, and the trim.

The floor is new too, but I didn't do it.

And the beginning of December I did this.

My new room.

Used to be 2 tiny horrible rooms.

Now it's one great big room.

And not so horrible.

Please excuse the laundry.

And the filthy mirror.

Still working on the hall from hell,

and the entryway.

Was I get those to places done, I'm DONE!!!

Except for refinishing the floors.......

Good Night!!

Goodbye, 2010

 So, Wow.

2010.

You were quite the year.

The hardest year I've had yet.

And in some ways the best.

 Let's see.

What did I learn?

Well, Number one is that you don't always know WHAT you can handle.

I was betrayed in the worst way a person can be.

It was heartbreaking.

And I always thought I KNEW how I'd react.

And at first, I did react how I thought I would.

But.

You can say to yourself,

"Well, if somebody EVER did that to me, I would do THIS!  Fo SHIZZLE!"

But the thing is, you never know till you're there.

What you thought was unforgivable may not be.......

 Unless you are in the situation, you just can"t tell what you will do.

 The old walk a mile mentality.

 I'll intersperse the bad with the good.

'Cause that's life, right?

This?

 This is good.

Makes my heart happy.

 So, besides figuring out the whole, "Walk a Mile" thing...

I also learned that some people are intimidated by me.

This was a little shocking to me.

I would never have describes myself as intimidating.

But, apparently,

I scare people.

These people won't talk to certain people, or go certain places

because of me.

Now, the fact that these people are less than stellar members of society aside,

this bothered me somewhat.

I am sure and certain that at times I can be a B!@#*.

But I never set out to be.

When I find I have been, I am always sorry....

But apparently my dislike for promiscuous women is discernible......

I've said it before.

One thing I'd change about me if I could......

the ability to hide my feelings.

'Cause I can't.

This is a Rooster in the background.

For some reason we missed him on Butcher Day.

He was the sorriest Roo, and still is.

Scared of everything.

Small.

Wiry.

Ninja ability to evade capture.

Haven't killed him yet,

cause

I gotta admire his survivor skills.

 Apparently I have an "Evil Eye" to contend with.

Which, in retrospect,

shouldn't surprise me.

When I worked in my soul-sucking job,

I stared down a gentleman with a bit too much of a variety of chemicals in his body

who decided to pull a gun on me when I refused his request for a beverage.

I've also been threatened with a knife.

By women and men.

And a giant of a man who threw a couple huge metal barstools at me.

Stared 'em down, bluffed them out.

So, I know I'm capable.

It's just I didn't MEAN to scare these people.

Got me thinking about whether all society sees me this way.

'Cause I don't want to be known as the Hard Ass B!@#$*.

But I don't think I am.

I don't think.

 I also learned that I am impatient.

I know I've said this before,

but it goes deeper.

You know that verse?

The one that says,

 "Be still and know that I am God?"

I have trouble being still.

A lot.

I am a person of action.

Of reaction.

I am currently typing with only 9 fingers.

Why?

'Cause I cut a tendon in my right index finger.

And I'm right handed.

And it's my INDEX finger.

Can't pick my nose in quite the same way....

This happened because I react.

Don't always think it through.

Certainly don't wait.

If I told you HOW I did it,

you'd think I was crazy.

Mentally deranged.

But if I told you WHY I did it,

you'd probably understand.

And wonder why I didn't do more,

and why I put myself in that situation in the first place.

This trait can be good in some instances....

Like in a crises.

I'm good with a crises.

I definitely have a fight response, not a flight.

Someone's shooting at you?

I'd take him down.

You cut your hand off?

I'd find it, put it on ice, and get you to the hospital.

But in cases where patience and not jumping to conclusions would be good,

I lose.

Thus the finger.

This is a giant meat hen

She is the hen that Quin made a pet of, and begged me not to kill.

Her name is Joniah.

She's twice the size of my hens,

and I'm sure eats twice as much,

but maybe I can hatch out my own meat birds.

Maybe.

I've also learned I over analyze 

 I'm constantly thinking.

Analyzing.

 Studying motives.....

The problem is

I also see both sides.

 So, I analyze a situation,

 come to a conclusion,

 accept it,

 and then analyze the opposite viewpoint,

come to a conclusion,

and accept that.

I think it's safe to say I'm crazy.

I've learned that the only thing I can rely on,

the One Person,

is God.

He has given me so much.

My children.

This place where I live.

My horse here with me.

My chickens.

My dogs.

My family.

Somehow He supplies all my needs.

And He hasn't given up on me,

no matter how crazy I am.

So.

Resolutions for this year?

This is it.

Romans 12: 9-21

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

For some reason Blogger won't let me put text between those last two pictures.

I dunno why.

Was going to end with:

What I hope for 2011?

Peace.

Calm.

Stability.

And a dog who waits patiently for the one he loves.

(Now imagine the picture of Cyrus.)

Awwwwwww.

I'm Back..... Again

And I hope for good.

Finally got the computer situation rectified.

Thanks Dan.

And Mom.

Anyway,

going to try to get back into the blogging swing of things.

It's been a while.

I have to update pictures,

maybe re-format my blog.....

Gotta edit a ton of photo's.

Sigh.

So tonight,

3 hours after I got "connected" 

( to the Internet, anyway.  Not really connected to anything else..)

This is what you get.

A video.

Of a song.

A song that was written for me.

The Artist is Brooke Frasier.

And a lot of her songs are written for me.

But right now,

this one is.

Here ya go.

Lyrics:

So we're back here again 
Tip toeing round the edge of the end 
Wondering who will be last to admit 
That we're finally over 


Turned twenty one on the day that we met 
Terrible shoes, implausible dress 
It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older 


Better or worse 
But what else can we do? 
And better or worse 
I am tethered to you 
If it's not either of us 
Tell me who are we fooling? 


I learned the art of biting my tongue 
I'm tired of trying to guess what was wrong 
Both agreed on where we should go 
But not how to get there 


We tried and tried to loosen the knots 
Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off 
But it's these failures and faults that hold us together 


Better or worse 
But what else can we do? 
And better or worse 
I am tethered to you 
If it's not either of us 
Tell me who are we fooling? 




This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue 
It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo 
Together we're one but apart tell me 
Who are we fooling? 


Cause real love 
Is hard love 
It's all we have 
It's a break-neck 
Train wreck 
It's all we have 


So we're back here again 
Turning away from the edge of the end 
Arm in arm 


Better or worse 
But what else can we do? 
And better or worse 
I am tethered to you 
If it's not either of us 
Tell me who are we fooling? 


This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue 
It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo 
If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling? 


Together we're one, but apart tell me 
Who are we fooling?

Random Ranting Ramblings

Random opinion #1.

Just because there is an inch of snow on the road,

does not mean you have to drive 30 km./hour.

Please people.

You give me a serious case of road rage.

I'm all for slowing down when the roads are crappy, believe me.

But an inch of snow?

And perfect visibility?

C'mon people!

This is Canada!

That's good driving conditions I'm describing.

Random opinion #2

I will never again raise Special Dual Purpose birds for meat.

Takes twice as long for birds half the size.

Oh, they were healthier.

No lame birds, they were actually very active.

No heart attacks.

But I had them for 18 weeks,

they were never without food or water,

EVER

I ran a light all night so they would eat continually,

they had an outside pen,

they were always clean and dry,

and I ended up with on average 5 lb. birds.

Actually, I still have one.

The sorriest rooster that ever was.

He was the smallest, wiry-est (is that a word?) bird ever.

Scared of everything, and extremely agile.

The kids nicknamed him the "Ninja" rooster.

Somehow we missed him on slaughter day.

And he's still here.

Just a little bigger than the hens,

still scared of everything,

still a Ninja.

He's made it this far I don't have the heart to kill him.

Even though I do not want to propagate his genetics.

Random opinion #3

My dog is bringing home dead pigs.

And different mystery parts of dead pigs.

This is bad, because:

#1, it's gross

#2, the farmer's been known to shoot dogs

But he leaves them at the end of the lane, not in the kill bin, just on the ground, and nothing is around.  No house, barns are far enough away, and there is a pile of tender tasty morsels for the taking.

But, the Libertarian in me says he has every right to shoot my dog if said dog is trespassing on his property.

The the dog Mom is me says,

"Put your damn dead stock in the kill bin!!!!"

It's a moral conundrum for me.

Random opinion #4

I have to stop sleeping.

It's the only way I can figure that will let me get everything done I want to get done.

I get up at 6am.

I'm going (working) by 7:30.

I stop for a half hour at lunch,

and go again till 9 or 10 pm.

With a break to cook and eat supper.

But cooking isn't really a break.

And I can't get enough done!!

So, me and sleep?

We're done.

I've had enough of sleeps seductive wiles.....

Random opinion #5

I just don't understand some people.

The tenants in my house before me chose to do the decor in black and grey.

All trim and doors black

(They even took a black magic marker and coloured in the gold on the ceiling fan.... I kid you not.)

All walls a gun metal grey.

(Is it grey or gray? It bugs me I don't know this.)

It was like living in a prison.

And, the black paint they used was latex.

And they painted over white enamel.

So it's peeling, flaking black paint.

Which means I can't just paint over black paint......

I have to scrape it all off first. 

And this takes hours.

And this irritates me to no end.

Random opinion #6

I love having my horse here.

Just sayin'.

Random opinion #7

Having drain pipes that drain outside instead of into your basement is pure awesomeness.

So is having a dryer that doesn't take 2 1/2 hrs to dry a load of clothes.

So are dishwashers.

So is hot water.

Random opinion #8

I like Christmas lights.

The End.