I'm in a Funk

I don't know whether it's the weather

(grey everything, sick of the cold...)

or because we're fighting a bit of a flu,

or because there is some emotional chaos in my life right now.

Could be a combination.

Probably is a combination.

'

But I really don't want to do anything.

And I'm TIRED all the time.

And I really would like to stay under my blankets in my bed all day long.

Would LOVE that.

However.

I can't.

Things to do, kids to keep alive.....

It's just one of those times, ya know?

There is an ebb and tide to life,

and this too shall pass.

Soon, I hope.

I know this.




Have to just ride out the storm,

and trust that God is directing my steps.

Ecc. 3:1-8

¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,

   a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,

   a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,

   a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,

   a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,

   a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,

   a time for war and a time for peace.

It's a Beautiful Thing.....

Life.

Although, it's sometimes a struggle to see it.

Sometimes I get selfish and whiny.

I start wondering why my life has to be so hard.....

it IS hard.

It's a struggle keeping everything together,

keeping things running smoothly,

just keeping on keeping on.

But then God gives me a reality check.

He says,

"Look around Heather."

And I do.

And I see four beautiful, healthy children.

I don't have to worry about them being killed by a roadside bomb, 

or be stolen away and turned into guerilla's.

I don't have to watch them starve because it is impossible to find food.

I don't have to walk 4 miles just to get them a drink of water.

I also see a big dorky horse standing in my yard.

And I look inside and see a big wonderful old farmhouse, full of huge windows to let the outside in.

And a glowing hot woodstove.

And a giant of a dog who adores me...

And trees, lot's of trees.

And insulated coveralls.

Food in my cupboards.

The list can go on and on.

Life IS hard.

But if you look around with open eyes, you can see all the blessings in your life.

The small things...

the things we often take for granted.

And so.

Life is a Beautiful Thing.

This is a beautiful thing.

This is the son that does NOT like reading.

'Caught him doing this all on his own.

(I didn't have to tell him to read.)

He's been very interested in space lately,

and this is a wicked awesome book.

"The Atlas of Space."

I hope we've turned a corner,

and he'll be a reader yet.

This is a beautiful thing.

Everyone should have chickens.

They are funny,

they eat all your scraps,

and if you give 'em a bit of grain you get these.

Mmmmmm.

This is kinda how I've been feeling lately.

Want to shut everyone out,

and hide.

Walls were definitely rising....

But I'm tearin' them down,

brick by brick.

Hope you see the beauty in your life....

It's there somewhere.

You just have to look.

Thoughts

Well,

the big news today is all about a massive storm system heading our way.

"Snowmageddon."

(When I heard that I laughed out loud.)

It is massive, saw it on radar.

Don't know about the whole end of the world thing, though.

20-40 centimeters of snow expected.

That's okay.

But what worries me a bit?

The wind.

It's really windy here.

It nearly blew me over on my way in from the barn.

You mix any amount of snow with really high winds, and driving is crappy.

So I'm thinking I won't be going any where tomorrow.

The boys and I spent most of the morning bringing in wood for the woodstove.

See, I don't have a shelter, or even a tarp, for my wood.

It was just stacked against the house.

And we've gotten a lot of snow.

So we have to dig the wood out from under the snow.

Not a whole lot of fun.

But we brought in enough for hopefully 3 or 4 days.

Then it'll be more digging.

Gonna have to figure out something better for next year.....

I know it's only February,

but I'm totally thinking about spring,

and all I plan to do.

I want to make my garden 3 times the size,

'cause last summer we ate everything, and there was nothing left to can or freeze.

And I HATE buying vegetables in the winter.

I also have to reconfigure the barn to fit in my meat birds....

or add an addition on,

and put up a new run for them.

I want to expand Pax's pasture, so I don't have to buy hay.

Also thinkin' about getting a weanling calf, and raising it till market weight.

But then I'll need more pasture.

Hmmmmm.

I want to add meat Rabbits to my menagerie.

And learn to butcher and clean them.

Cheap source of meat there.

I want to add to my laying flock, to have some extra eggs to sell.

I want to put up a shelter for wood.....

I'm tired already.

But I'm also gearing up.

When I set my mind to something, it usually happens.

We'll see.

And that's all I got.

Boring, huh?

Ah well.

It's what's on my mind today.

See ya tomorrow.

Brrrrrrrrr...... and Busy

And the title pretty much sums up the past few days.

The weather has been incredibly cold.

The snow squeaks when you walk on it, 

your face freezes by the time you walk ten feet.,

the chickens are huddled in the barn,

without much pecking and scratching,

dogs go out for exactly 30 seconds, and then are barking at the door to get back inside,

Pax is eating two bales a day,

and twice as much performance horse feed,

(without doing any actual work)

and wearing his blanket constantly,

and I am insanely thankful for my insulated coveralls.

(Thanks Sarah!!)

It's cold here in Canada.

Hockey play-offs have started for one son, and their first opponent is Durham,

which is over an hour away.

So for the game yesterday I left at 1:30,

got there in time,

game was delayed starting by the game before,

got home at 6:30.

Then had to go pick up Emma,

who had a dance workshop that day.

She has a competition coming up in March

in Windsor

judged by the So You Think You Can Dance judges,

American and Canadian,

with workshops available by the choreographers of the same.

Emma is performing 3 routines.

Solo, Trio, and group.

So, lots of practice needed.

My wonderful sister kept her overnight and got her there,

but she needed to come home.

So got home from that at 8:00pm.

Had to get the fire going, get kids fed and in bed,

go out and do chores,

 and crashed.....

could barely get my butt out of bed this morning.

Today was catch-up day.

Laundry, cleaning, etc.

I've said it before,

I don't know how a house get's so dirty when you aren't even home!!

I didn't even get a shower in before it was time to go to hockey,

again.

Thank God for hats.

I was at the arena from 4:00pm till 7:15pm.

The good thing?

They've redone the arena,

and added in tables and chairs.

So today I brought schoolwork,

which didn't get done during the day,

And we got school done at hockey.

LOVE those tables.

The worst thing about hockey,

for me,

is standing there waiting.

Not doing anything.

Because I have so much to do!!!

But now,

with those tables,

I can teach while at hockey.

Multi tasking.....

I love it.

Sorry for a post without pictures...

I hate that.

But,

as I've said,

it's freakin' cold outside,

and my camera is crappy inside,

and really,

how many pictures of frozen tundra can you look at?

One thing I've noticed about myself lately is that I HATE to ask for help.

A favour.

I'd much rather take care of everything myself. 

I don't like being weak.

I do like being strong, and able to do anything, and everything.

And I usually refuse help.

It's a matter of pride, I know.

And pride is a bad thing.

Because humans ARE weak.

It's just that,

I don't like to fail.

And it seems to me that if I need help,

I'm failing.

I CAN DO IT!!

And I usually can.

But sometimes,

a little help is nice.

So thanks to all who've helped in little ways......

I really do appreciate it.

Kids

Are fun.

And funny.

And I like them.

I like getting to know who they are.

It's funny, this talk I sometimes hear about 

"Nature vs. Nurture."

And while I think that yes,

parents have an influence on their kids behaviour,

they don't on who that kid essentially is.

Whether lazy, ambitious, brave, nervous, outgoing, shy.

Parents can try to "level out" these characteristics, and teach ways to deal with them,

ie lazy kid that work is important,

ambitious kid that perfection isn't everything,

but really, your kid is who they are.

Know why?

God created them that way.

Each person is unique.

Each one is special.

God didn't use a cookie cutter......

we are all different.

And that goes for kids too.

And for me as a Mom,

it's fun to learn what makes my kids tick.

What makes them happy, scared, excited.

What's important to them.

I'm not saying that parents should sit back and let their kids run wild,

"Being who they are".

Every child needs boundaries, and to be taught what's appropriate behaviour and what isn't.

But within the boundaries that I have set in my home,

it's fun and exciting to see my children blossom and grow,

and to get to know them better.

All of my kids are different,

and the older they get,

the better I know them.

And I really do like them.

My random thought for today.

Reality

Sucks sometimes.

I'm usually pretty good at facing reality.

Like, for example,

I've lost a lot of weight lately.

Like, a LOT.

And I would really love a new pair of Silver Jeans

'cause they make my butt look awesome 

But,

the reality is,

I am raising four kids,

and therefore can not justify spending $80 on a pair of jeans.

And so, 

the reality is

I must be happy with my $3 pair of thrift shop jeans.

And I am.

They fit.

But in a certain situation,

I have denied reality.

Ignored it.

Looked away.

Wished it away.

Fought incredibly hard against it.

I thought I could change it,

if I only did this,

or that,

or the other thing.

If I just TRIED really hard.....

And I've had to come to face the fact 

that no matter how much you want reality to change

it just is.

And wanting and wishing something else doesn't change it.

No matter how much you want it.

This is the hardest thing I've done in my life.

And I've done some hard things.

But facing the facts about this situation?

I did NOT want too.

But,

reality is,

I have to.

I'm sorry if this post is vague to some....

But that's the reality;p

Another Brooke Fraser song

about what I'm going through.

I swear she writes for me.

Lyrics:

Take my shoulder back now

Your heads too heavy for me.

Please don't come around here no more

'Cause I asked you to stop,

and you wouldn't.

And I would give anything

To make you better

I would give anything

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize,

I loved you till it killed me

So my logic wouldn't hurt you

I know you might blame me anyway

I'm sorry,

I'm so sorry.

I would give anything

To make you better

I would give anything 

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize

You're not helping yourself

To me

I tried all the things, 

They told me to do

Tried to close up the wounds

left open by you

And if I seem doubtful, distrusting  

I am

You said you wouldn't do it again

You said you wouldn't do it again

I would give anything

to make you better

I would give anything 

To point you to free

I would give anything

To help you realize

You're not helping yourself

You're not helping yourself by hurting me.

Goodbye, 2010

 So, Wow.

2010.

You were quite the year.

The hardest year I've had yet.

And in some ways the best.

 Let's see.

What did I learn?

Well, Number one is that you don't always know WHAT you can handle.

I was betrayed in the worst way a person can be.

It was heartbreaking.

And I always thought I KNEW how I'd react.

And at first, I did react how I thought I would.

But.

You can say to yourself,

"Well, if somebody EVER did that to me, I would do THIS!  Fo SHIZZLE!"

But the thing is, you never know till you're there.

What you thought was unforgivable may not be.......

 Unless you are in the situation, you just can"t tell what you will do.

 The old walk a mile mentality.

 I'll intersperse the bad with the good.

'Cause that's life, right?

This?

 This is good.

Makes my heart happy.

 So, besides figuring out the whole, "Walk a Mile" thing...

I also learned that some people are intimidated by me.

This was a little shocking to me.

I would never have describes myself as intimidating.

But, apparently,

I scare people.

These people won't talk to certain people, or go certain places

because of me.

Now, the fact that these people are less than stellar members of society aside,

this bothered me somewhat.

I am sure and certain that at times I can be a B!@#*.

But I never set out to be.

When I find I have been, I am always sorry....

But apparently my dislike for promiscuous women is discernible......

I've said it before.

One thing I'd change about me if I could......

the ability to hide my feelings.

'Cause I can't.

This is a Rooster in the background.

For some reason we missed him on Butcher Day.

He was the sorriest Roo, and still is.

Scared of everything.

Small.

Wiry.

Ninja ability to evade capture.

Haven't killed him yet,

cause

I gotta admire his survivor skills.

 Apparently I have an "Evil Eye" to contend with.

Which, in retrospect,

shouldn't surprise me.

When I worked in my soul-sucking job,

I stared down a gentleman with a bit too much of a variety of chemicals in his body

who decided to pull a gun on me when I refused his request for a beverage.

I've also been threatened with a knife.

By women and men.

And a giant of a man who threw a couple huge metal barstools at me.

Stared 'em down, bluffed them out.

So, I know I'm capable.

It's just I didn't MEAN to scare these people.

Got me thinking about whether all society sees me this way.

'Cause I don't want to be known as the Hard Ass B!@#$*.

But I don't think I am.

I don't think.

 I also learned that I am impatient.

I know I've said this before,

but it goes deeper.

You know that verse?

The one that says,

 "Be still and know that I am God?"

I have trouble being still.

A lot.

I am a person of action.

Of reaction.

I am currently typing with only 9 fingers.

Why?

'Cause I cut a tendon in my right index finger.

And I'm right handed.

And it's my INDEX finger.

Can't pick my nose in quite the same way....

This happened because I react.

Don't always think it through.

Certainly don't wait.

If I told you HOW I did it,

you'd think I was crazy.

Mentally deranged.

But if I told you WHY I did it,

you'd probably understand.

And wonder why I didn't do more,

and why I put myself in that situation in the first place.

This trait can be good in some instances....

Like in a crises.

I'm good with a crises.

I definitely have a fight response, not a flight.

Someone's shooting at you?

I'd take him down.

You cut your hand off?

I'd find it, put it on ice, and get you to the hospital.

But in cases where patience and not jumping to conclusions would be good,

I lose.

Thus the finger.

This is a giant meat hen

She is the hen that Quin made a pet of, and begged me not to kill.

Her name is Joniah.

She's twice the size of my hens,

and I'm sure eats twice as much,

but maybe I can hatch out my own meat birds.

Maybe.

I've also learned I over analyze 

 I'm constantly thinking.

Analyzing.

 Studying motives.....

The problem is

I also see both sides.

 So, I analyze a situation,

 come to a conclusion,

 accept it,

 and then analyze the opposite viewpoint,

come to a conclusion,

and accept that.

I think it's safe to say I'm crazy.

I've learned that the only thing I can rely on,

the One Person,

is God.

He has given me so much.

My children.

This place where I live.

My horse here with me.

My chickens.

My dogs.

My family.

Somehow He supplies all my needs.

And He hasn't given up on me,

no matter how crazy I am.

So.

Resolutions for this year?

This is it.

Romans 12: 9-21

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

For some reason Blogger won't let me put text between those last two pictures.

I dunno why.

Was going to end with:

What I hope for 2011?

Peace.

Calm.

Stability.

And a dog who waits patiently for the one he loves.

(Now imagine the picture of Cyrus.)

Awwwwwww.