My Baby

(SOOC people.  In Manual mode.)

I love her.
She is very special to me.


I was taking pictures of her today,
and I thought I’d post WHY she’s so special to me.




And then I came home and found that my sister had posted why HER baby girl is so special to her.





And so, I wasn’t going to post it.




It would seem like I’m copying.





How weird is it that we both had in our heads to blog on the same topic?

But, then I decided I would anyway.





It’s what’s in my head.

My fourth baby is a boy.

He was supposed to be born on my birthday, in 2006.

His name is Jack, and he lives with Jesus

.
I was 16 weeks pregnant and went into labour on Oct. 2, 2005.
That is my brother’s birthday,
and it was the day of Emma’s 2nd birthday party.


I had a house full of people, celebrating my little girls life,
and I knew something was wrong.

We continued with the party,
people left, I got the kids in bed,
and I tried to sleep.


I woke up soon after in intense pain.





I gave birth to him in the bathroom.






It was the worst, most intense pain I have ever experienced.


My other labours were all done natural,
so I had been in labour before.



But with this I was screaming, wailing, sobbing,
panicking.








And I was utterly alone.










I wish I could say that I felt God’s presence.
Some happy uplifting circumstance that I could share.




But I can’t.





It was the worst time of my life.




And that’s all it was.





I know He was there.



But I felt so alone.






And this is some of the baggage I had mentioned.





And there was my baby.

A perfect little baby boy.

But his umbilical cord was not attached.





I don’t know for sure what went wrong.




And at only 16 weeks gestation, I didn’t feel like I could grieve,
and have people understand.



But he was my baby.

We buried him beside his uncle,
who had died as a young man.




And that was that.


Life went on.





But I was bitter and angry.


Not at God, but at the person who had failed me.



I had to come to terms with the fact that people do fail
.
All the time.




I had to let go of that resentment and hurt.




I fail sooo often!
And still God loves me.
And forgives me.



I have been forgiven much,
how then could I not forgive this?




It was a long road.





And sometimes I still struggle with feelings of being “on my own”,
and having no support, no one there to care for me.




But, God is there.





And has shown Himself perfectly capable to supply all of my needs.



And that loss He used to teach me to come to Him, to look to Him for comfort, and care.




It’s a lesson I’m still learning.









And He gave me her.





And she brings joy to me every day.









Pure, uplifting, unbelievable joy.









And tonight at bedtime,
she prayed and thanked God for “peanut butter on a spoon.”

And every time I ask her what she wants for supper, she says, “Soup!”

And she brings me books and says, “Read dis to me?”

And she loves to play pat-a-cake.

And she loves to count my fingers.

And she loves to cuddle.

And I love all of the little moments.

And I can’t imagine life without her.



And I thank God every day for giving her to me.

Zinged

Editors note:
All the pictures in this post were taken in Manual Mode,
and most of them are completely unedited.  Yay me!





I was zinged today.



And zanged.


But mostly zinged.

You know what I mean?




No?




When you’re sitting in church,
listening to the message,
and it appears to be written for you.



And you sit there, and think,
”How could I miss this?  I know these verses.  How could I MISS this?!”




And you finally get it.









And you hear the still small voice of the Spirit, saying, “See, my child?”
And He gently and lovingly opens your eyes to His truth.

And you know.


You know that yet again you’ve failed, but yet He loves you.

And He tenderly shows you what you’ve been asking.



You know how I was wanting God to tell me what to do in a booming voice from heaven?
Well,  He used a Pastor, and the Holy Spirit spoke.

The text was Ephesians 4:25-32
²⁵Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶"In your anger do not sin"^[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
²⁹Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Most of us know this passage.


I love the letters of Paul.
They are probably my favourite books in the Bible.









I’ll just list the main points of the sermon.


There are three characteristics of a mature Christian.


1) Kindness

2) Tenderness (compassion)

3) Forgiving Spirit









We’ll start with what characteristics we DON’T want.


These grieve the Holy Spirit (vs 30)


1. Bitterness: deep seated resentment; constant attitude of negativity about a person
2. Wrath: outbursts of rage, flash of temper
3. Anger: settled angry spirit, fueled by resentment and bitterness
4. Slander: attack a persons name, character










What’s the Antidote?



Well, I’ll tell you.



In point form.

~Kindness~

*always willing to help others
*helps unconditionally

Want a life changing difference in your relationships?
Demonstrate kindness daily.

What has God given you that you can share?


Showing kindness can melt the hardest hearts.


Being kind shows the love of Christ through words and actions.

~Tenderness~

We live in a harsh, cruel world.

This can make us hardened, thick skinned, hard hearted.

How to fix?

Spend time in prayer.
Ask God to give you compassion for others.

~Forgiveness~

Means, “To Let Go”


Let go of resentment and hurt.


All through our lives we pick up baggage along the way….
let go of the baggage!


Forgiveness is the center of a Christian Spirit.


The supreme example?
God has forgiven us!!



Jesus had every right to payback.
And HE could have actually gotten it.

”He could have called 10,000 angels!”


And yet the first words out of His lips are,

”Father forgive them.”

Sacrificial love is transforming.

We have a God who forgives sins!



He does it for us!

Amen.

Now, there are reasons that this hits close to home.



I have a lot of baggage I’m lugging around.



And a lot of reasons to be bitter and resentful.



I COULD be CrAzY, people!








But I’m not.
(Well, to some that’s debatable.)







By the Grace of God.



Maybe someday I’ll share some of the experiences in my life.





But not tonight.





Hope this encourages you, as it has me.

Self Portrait

Jess at the Old Nichols Farm

is doing this thing.

This thing that makes me nervous…

and yet I said that I would participate.

What to do, what to do.

Well, I did it of course.

Pshaw.



Wasn’t that bad.





What she is doing is promoting self portraits.

Putting pictures of your SELF on your blog.




Now, I have before.


I have come to realize that I want my kids to remember moments with me..
see that I was there.


There is spans of years at a time with no pictures of me.

Because I hate them.



Don’t want to immortalize the baby fat and varicose veins.
And my wide nose and grey hairs.



But this is good.



This is making me get over myself.



Only problem was, I had to get a picture of me.



And by the time I remembered, it was getting dark outside.


And raining.



And I don’t take very good pictures indoors.




But, I gave it a shot anyway.







Here ya go.


This is one of my favourite hats.
I love hats.
They cover bad hair….






And tonight was movie night.
It was a rainy gross day, so we rented a movie, The Great Mouse Detective,
and cuddled on the couch to watch it.




So I took a picture of us….
in the whole spirit of getting in front of the camera.



There were fights first..
over who was going to be where, and who was squishing who.



I almost gave it up, it was becoming such a hassle.




But, we pulled it out.



Half of Quin’s face, and a drugged out Nate, and we got it!





Excuse the dirty toddler face….

And one more picture..





God is the ultimate Artist:

Click on over and check out more self portraits!


Some are extremely creative.




Better yet,

enter one yourself!







Just who ARE you?!?

I hate Drama

And yet I seem to have a lot of it in my life lately.

I’ve always been a bad sleeper.

Hard for me to get to sleep, and then I very often wake a couple hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

It’s been worse lately.

I’m hardly sleeping at all.

And, I’m one of those people that needs sleep to function.

So, I’m not functioning very well….

Kinda on autopilot.

I think it’s stress related….

I have too many decisions, and I’m second guessing other decisions, and I don’t have any answers!!

I think my brain just goes into overdrive and won’t shut off….

And I KNOW I can trust God with my life..

but He won’t just TELL me what I am to do.

Like, clearly. 

With a voice booming down from heaven.

Ah well.

I am fine, really.

My van is falling apart.

Just when in for an oil change and tune-up, ‘cause it needs an Emissions Test.  

Long story on that one.

Turns out it needs a tie rod.

Like, in the worst way.

”Unsafe” was used to describe it.

And a new battery.

There’s something wrong with the one in there.

I knew that, as I can’t keep the doors open for any length of time or the battery is dead.

All this to say, way bigger bill than I anticipated.

Isn’t that always the way?

I was over at Mom’s this afternoon, to help paint her living room.

It’s gonna be purty….

It wasn’t all work though.

When at Mom’s there is always sitting on the deck

and sipping wine and talking.  

The only “socializing” I get.

I didn’t get any pictures of the painting, or the kids in the pool, or any of the cool stuff.

But I did get some.

My Poppa

My baby brother.
I used to change his diaper.

Hunny, the neurotic dog.
She’s the daughter of my JRT, Freddy.
Her Mom was a Cairn Terrier.
She’s about the size of a rat.

Baby brother, and awesome Brother-in-law.
From Creekside fame.

My beautiful sister Linda.

Not a very flattering picture,

but the best of all I took.

She’s very hard to get a picture of!

Some of Mom’s deck flowers.

And the moon.
The moon was gorgeous.

And last nights sun set was amazing.

It was HUGE!

We were leaving soccer, and I thought at first there a huge neon sign!

Quin thought it was a stoplight.


Huge and bright and amazing.


Before I could get stopped and pull out my camera it had sunk quite a lot.

It wasn’t quite as impressive.



But it still is pretty.

Just seeing God’s creation like this soothes my soul.






Verses in my life right now.





Phil.4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

 

 

 2 Cor. 12:9

 He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Dance, Nathan and Crazy Weather

Emma had tryouts tonight for the Competitive Dance Team.

Not as stressful as it sounds.




She was on the team last year, when she was five,
and I think she’ll be on it again this year.

She’s six, after all.



And has another year of dance under her teeny tiny belt.

The exciting thing is that she is also going to take
Classical Ballet and Lyrical.

Exciting because those styles are where her heart is.


She’s very bubbly, and loves to put on a show, so that makes her good for Cheer and Jazz.

But she loves to be beautiful, with beautiful, flowy movements.



She’s also going to do a Hip Hop routine with her two cousins.

Sure to be heartwarmingly hilarious.



It will be an exciting year next year.

A Nathan story.

I don’t post enough of them.



He was killing flies today,
one of his favourite jobs.

Walking around and wacking them with the flyswatter fills some testosterone need.



Anyway.


He calls to me,
”Mom!  This fly isn’t dead and it’s crawling around with it’s gizzards out! “

(He means guts.)

”What should I do?!?”

I said what I always say when he kills a fly,
” Get a paper towel and clean it up and put it in the garbage.”
(Yet another use for paper towel.  Man I love that stuff.)

He replies, '”But she’s (?) not dead! Oh, poor little fly.”

I look at him at this point, probably giving the dog look,  and he says,

” Her (?) gizzards are out and she (?) can’t fly, but she’s (?) trying to.”

(Not quite sure why he thought it was a she.)

I had to go stir the lunch at this point, and when I reappeared
I had grabbed a paper towel and was going to clean up the little fly body.

Nate says, “ Oh, that made me sad.  Poor little fly.”

I said, “Yes, but they poop everywhere and carry diseases.
It’s sad, but it should live outside and then we wouldn’t have to kill them. 
Where did the fly crawl,
so I can wipe every spot so we’re not eating off a table full of fly guts?”

He starts pointing, here, and here, and here, and finally says, “basically this whole side of the table.”

I was like, “Wow, that was one determined fly.”

He said, “No, I just had to keep wacking her, ‘cause she was suffering.
So she went here, and here and here.”

So I disinfected the whole table.

And lest you think Nathan has gone soft, I caught him later
using a tack to spear through the bodies of other flies.

I asked him, “ You were so sad over that fly with the guts hanging out suffering,
why are you now stabbing them?”

He says, “Well, their guts aren’t hanging out.”

Ahhhhhh.







Male logic.

Okay, it being Wednesday, I have some scenic shots from the trip to Dance tonight.

And here they are.

We have these windmills all along our coast of Lake Huron.
Quite the controversy over them as well.

The moon was up at the same time as the sun.
Emma thought it was cool, and wanted me to take a picture.
So I did.

See the nasty little storm clouds?
We had quite the day here in Southwestern Ontario.

We had an earthquake.


NEVER remember that happening.

I didn’t feel it.



And we had a tornado touch down.

That has happened a few times over the years.

Both of these occurrences are quite rare.


And they happened on the same day!


Crazy weather.

This is the sun at the same time as the moon pictures.
Just the other side of the road;)

The following three pictures were taken right after each other, of the same spot, just with different settings.

Well, this first one I was zoomed in more.

Ooops.
Four.  I mean four pictures.
I can count, really.

And we also saw these….

And their home.

And that’s it!

Not Much to Say….

Woke up this morning just before 6 to a massive Thunderstorm.



So impressive, I had to capitalize it.





The booms, the flashes, the downpour..
amazing.





I love storms.






Something about the wildness of it all, I think.






I love to throw open the door, and stand, protected a bit,
but still experiencing it.

If you weren’t sure of my sanity before,
I shudder to think what this confession will do for my ratings.

On to other things.







I am immersed in Charles Dickens lately.


Finished David Copperfield,
which I read once a year
( Betsy Trotwood?  Makes me laugh.  Out loud.  Wish she was a real person, and that I knew her.)

I am presently in the middle of Great Expectations.


Also a good one.







And that’s what we did this rainy afternoon.



We read.





Quin is almost halfway through The Hobbit,
Nate finished the second Magic Treehouse Book,
and Emma finished the first.
And Ava read her picture books, and coloured.






A lazy, rainy day.







It was good.

Now off for some more Great Expectations.

Bath Day

We finally did it.

The weather cooperated.


The schedules meshed.






The horses got warshed.






All the old all winter dirt and grime and manure and dust was scrubbed out.

All the tangles were brushed out.

I washed Pax where only geldings need washing, and I tell ya,
if we weren’t buddies before, we better be now.

Don’t know what I mean?




Well, I love to educate….




Here you go.







So. 


Suffice to say he better love me forever.

Here’s some pictures of the horses after their bath.

Here’s Kara.


Such a pretty girl.

Pax leading, Kara following.
Usually the way it is.

My beautiful boy,
and stupid bins in the back!!

We kinda shoo’d them, to get some nice pictures.

Pax is easy to get going,
he just needs a tiny excuse, and he’s off cavorting.

Kara, not so much.
(Watch out Kara, he’s goin’ to git you!)



 

He makes my heart sing.

What a silly boy.




It’s the clean sheath.
Makes him feel all frisky……

I would love this pic, if not for those bins.
They are the bane of my existence.

I love this one too….
but the bins!

Two shiny bums.

And one clean sheath.

 (Okay, that's the last time I'll mention it.  Promise.)

Aaaaand…






that was plenty enough time spent being clean.

Kara started.

She did one side.

I did have one of Kara actually rolling, but it included Linda’s boob.

And because it’s Linda’s birthday, and only because it’s her birthday, I did not post the picture of her boob with a rolling horse behind it.

And then she supervised Pax.

Gotta tell a man how to do everything.

 



And then….








and then Kara went for her other side.




And I didn’t know this till I got home and downloaded the pictures.









You may want to avert your eyes again.


















Thank goodness that butterfly keeps flying by.

And here is our freshly scrubbed (every inch!) horses.

Heading off to greener pastures.

A Shout Out to Linda!!

Happy Birthday!!

I love you enough to not post pictures of your boob on my blog.