My Baby

(SOOC people.  In Manual mode.)

I love her.
She is very special to me.


I was taking pictures of her today,
and I thought I’d post WHY she’s so special to me.




And then I came home and found that my sister had posted why HER baby girl is so special to her.





And so, I wasn’t going to post it.




It would seem like I’m copying.





How weird is it that we both had in our heads to blog on the same topic?

But, then I decided I would anyway.





It’s what’s in my head.

My fourth baby is a boy.

He was supposed to be born on my birthday, in 2006.

His name is Jack, and he lives with Jesus

.
I was 16 weeks pregnant and went into labour on Oct. 2, 2005.
That is my brother’s birthday,
and it was the day of Emma’s 2nd birthday party.


I had a house full of people, celebrating my little girls life,
and I knew something was wrong.

We continued with the party,
people left, I got the kids in bed,
and I tried to sleep.


I woke up soon after in intense pain.





I gave birth to him in the bathroom.






It was the worst, most intense pain I have ever experienced.


My other labours were all done natural,
so I had been in labour before.



But with this I was screaming, wailing, sobbing,
panicking.








And I was utterly alone.










I wish I could say that I felt God’s presence.
Some happy uplifting circumstance that I could share.




But I can’t.





It was the worst time of my life.




And that’s all it was.





I know He was there.



But I felt so alone.






And this is some of the baggage I had mentioned.





And there was my baby.

A perfect little baby boy.

But his umbilical cord was not attached.





I don’t know for sure what went wrong.




And at only 16 weeks gestation, I didn’t feel like I could grieve,
and have people understand.



But he was my baby.

We buried him beside his uncle,
who had died as a young man.




And that was that.


Life went on.





But I was bitter and angry.


Not at God, but at the person who had failed me.



I had to come to terms with the fact that people do fail
.
All the time.




I had to let go of that resentment and hurt.




I fail sooo often!
And still God loves me.
And forgives me.



I have been forgiven much,
how then could I not forgive this?




It was a long road.





And sometimes I still struggle with feelings of being “on my own”,
and having no support, no one there to care for me.




But, God is there.





And has shown Himself perfectly capable to supply all of my needs.



And that loss He used to teach me to come to Him, to look to Him for comfort, and care.




It’s a lesson I’m still learning.









And He gave me her.





And she brings joy to me every day.









Pure, uplifting, unbelievable joy.









And tonight at bedtime,
she prayed and thanked God for “peanut butter on a spoon.”

And every time I ask her what she wants for supper, she says, “Soup!”

And she brings me books and says, “Read dis to me?”

And she loves to play pat-a-cake.

And she loves to count my fingers.

And she loves to cuddle.

And I love all of the little moments.

And I can’t imagine life without her.



And I thank God every day for giving her to me.